Blue October- into the ocean

It’s been months since I have been able to make words into thoughts and thoughts into my own confessions. Some of you may have read me before, some prolly don’t really care to give me a gander. That is all A-okay. That is all part of me transitioning and figuring out what the truth is and more importantly real. I write to create things. To show a passion of mine in my own personal experiences. Here we go. Back at it, I crave acceptance or to be understood. Silly I know. The other night I went to a bar that was completely and utterly just not me or my scene never has been and never will be. You are talking to a jabroney who wears a flannel and converse just about everyday paired along with some gaudy glitter smeared across my face mostly because I took a full 12 seconds to slab it onto my face. Anywho, I’m at this bar full of tons and tons of people (the bungalow) and I could not help but people watch. Eveyone there looked like a misfit. Almost like someone who got invited to the party last minute. No one seemed like they were branching out and making news friends. I literally stood in between a fight of two guys, accidentally,  while one of them and I quote said “ your face is weird.”? How fucking old are we? Yet again I am the most immature gal around don’t get me wrong (I am a stupid head.) I tend to not have a filter but I like to think I have a big heart. At this bar I felt overly consumed by people just trying oh so hard. There’s this essence of being in Long Beach in my own personal experience and preferred bars I just walk around and make friends wherever I go. Believe me I do have friends in low places. I’m not trying to flex by any means because more often then not they are highly questionable. I went to dinner with my family and couldn’t help but just be me, unapologetically. I don’t understand why I can’t just be openly like myself around those who I see on the daily. This summer I changed. It may be for the better or for the worse but what I do know is that it will change me into what I soon want to be. Life can be so strange. I strongly believe we don’t just go through things just because. Everything happens for a reason and it’s all just a learning curve I guess. What has really been something strugglesome lately is losing touch with myself and the way I have veered away from not giving a shit. What I think I am trying to say is I’m changing and I’m going to continue to morph (like I’m in one of those funky morph suits running around preferably yellow) (that would make me so sweaty oh my god) and what the scariest part is that I am liking my changes but I need to not lose the good parts of  me I suppose or what I consider the good parts. Life has been so harsh lately to the point I feel as though I am scraping at the edges of the concrete trying to pull myself up out of the water. These random occurrences that suck I am trying to embrace but I can’t help but dwell. When I do something wrong I begin to fixate on the truth of it all. Wondering what I could have done differently. I suppose what I am trying to get at is thanks to those around helping me figure myself out even more than we already know, which is I am a freak show. But, hang on tight because this rocket ship has only just lifted off. I’m a Gemini I’m neurotic, I’m definitely two different people at once, and I can’t help but love. 

It’s October which is coming to such a fast close. This is my favorite month. My favorite people were born this month. If you have the time go do my favorite thing, watch a sunset with a group of people you love. I have written about my love for sunsets before but there is nothing like an October sunset around some friends while it’s still warm outside. 

I love you all, I hope you enjoyed some thoughts of mine, hopefully I can get back into the hubbub of writing and get back to you all. 

Bisous,

Shell